Rights, biology and children in focus

We fought hard to prove we can do anything men can.
How long before they prove they are equally good parents?

Otac - kolac is a saying everyone is familiar with in the Balkans. It means that a father is very much like a plank of wood: tough, emotionless and lacking warmth. More recently, social workers in Bosnia's capitol have used similarly simple description of mother's role and status in the country and the reason why in majority of custody recommendations mother is given preference: mother is mother. They mean that since women carry the babies this somehow makes us biologically predetermined to better care for them. This is where I get confused.

For the past hundred years some of us have fought so hard to escape our proper biological place which we claimed was assigned to us by men; the kitchen, the children and any other home chore. We fought so hard to prove we can do anything men can. We fought for our rights and independence. But have we gone too far? Was it necessary to turn men into enemies? Was it necessary to assume masculine traits and lose our femininity in the process? Today, women fight juts as aggressively as men when it comes to maintaining their control over children and home. And absurdly, we call upon biology as proof of our differences and our primacy when it comes to parenting.

It seems that we got slightly sidetracked in our battle for equality, mistaking same for equal, turning men into enemies and forgetting, actually, to care for our children. It seems that today, what a lot of women are fighting for is to prevent fathers from exercising and enjoying their full rights within family, especially when it comes to enjoying time with their children. And state institutions fully support and justify this sort of behaviour.

There is no joint custody in Bosnia and Herzegovina. It was suggested but turned down as an option by the social services. It is definately easier to just give the children to the mother after divorce and get the father to pay maintenance, while being allowed to see his children twice a month for a few hours. This in itself is more of a punishment than a reasonable and just way of dealing with family conflict. When facing a divorce, women are quietly calculating how much money they will be awarded by the social services and men are terrified at the prospect of knowing that they will almost certainly lose contact with their children and be made to pay half of their wages to the mother. Somehow, this is considered normal and has not been questioned until recently. In order to provide for joint custody social services would have to do a lot more work: allow each child fair and equal access to both parents, calculate how much if any the father would have to provide (in case of sharing 50/50 he would not be eligible to pay anything). But this is too complicated as it would be more time consuming, puts children in focus and more importantly there is no one to blame.

We have indoctrinated ourselves into believing that men are aggressive, incapable of caring for their own children or showing love and affection and will not help with household chores. Recent events bring hope. Hundreds of desperate fathers have stood up for their rights across the Balkans and women have found themselves confused and angry. Sooner or later we will have to admit that we cannot label fathers as planks of wood. Just as we deserved to be allowed to work, earn a living for ourselves and control our bodies, men deserve to be allowed to care for their children after divorce. I am extremely happy to see the recent changes and am proud to participate in them.